A Message from the Emperor.

And now, from Coruscant, an update on the current security crisis from the Imperial head of state, Emperor Palpatine.


“Citizens of the Empire.

“Following the wanton destruction wrought on our stormtroopers by pro-Jedi terrorists aboard the Tantive IV, and the subsequent abduction of two of our Droids – R2D2 and C3PO – by an unnamed escape pod, the Galactic Empire has been obliged to send troops into the desert currently occupied by the sand people in a bid to discover and destroy their potentially leathal droid caches. The deaths of civilians such as the moisture farmer Owen Lars is an unfortunate consequence of our imperative to preserve our way of life and safeguard the well-being of our Imperial citizens.

“On the plus side, the man’s dead, so any of the droids, resources or intergalactic shoulder-fired rockets he had that might’ve been used to help the Jedi terrorists have probably been destroyed along with him and the rest of his neighbourhood, and it’ll help to send a warning to the other scum down there.

“Meanwhile, whilst we are saddened by the necessity of the genocide on Alderaan, we would like to point out that this was necessary in order to demonstrate to the Rebel Alliance that just having a few comical droids and X-Wings isn’t going to be enough for them to damage us; we could destroy all the rebels just like that, if we wanted to. That would, of course, entail some further loss of civilian life, but lives lost in the interests of the security of the Imerial Empire are, at least, lives lost well…

“Finally, I would like to counter arguments made from some unscrupulous quaters claiming that the only reason the Galactic Empire is allowed to get away with this sort of this is because we are run by the Sith.

“Sure, the Sith have had a bad press, over the last 5,000 years or so, and on many occasions we have been repressed, brutalised and murdered by the Jedi Order and their lapdog Republic. However, following the comparatively recent invention of the Galactic Empire we have found a new home, right across the entire galaxy, just like the Sith teachings of old promised we would have. Alongside this home, we have also gained new security.

“We refuse to allow this security to be threatened by anyone, even politically unnaware moisture farmers living in the desert and doing no harm to anyone: if we say they’re a threat, we can damn well blow up their world and do as we please. Anyone who argues that the attack on Alderaan was ‘extreme’ or ‘disproportionate’ is guilty of socially unnaceptable anti-Sith bias, and should be silenced as soon as possible, before their remarks get to these terrorists and their lethal droid caches and encourage the resistance.

“In conclusion: Yes, the Empire has killed a few people recently. Yes, all of these people have been civilians, but many of them may have been thinking about joining terror groups such as the Rebel Alliance and the Jedi. Even if they weren’t, it’s possible they may have been the sort of people who could’ve become terrorists, if we hadn’t killed them. The Imperial response to the loss of two of our droids and a spare escape capsule from the Tantive-IV has not been disproportionate, and it is essential that we safeguard our security. If that means destroying entire planets, then that means destroying entire planets.

“Anyway, we soon hope to kill the leader of the terrorist scum, one Obi-Wan Kenobi. Once we’ve done that, it’ll be the end of the Rebel Alliance and their scum Jedi friends for good. And that’ll make the deaths of all the civilians worthwhile.”

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  1. On July 20, 2006 Scatman Dan says: